Mini Magic Celebrity Commercial – The Real Ladies Demon

Editor’s Note: Just the ad this time. So we don’t break up the pace of this commercial, it’s going to be the dialogue only. This card was spoiled by WotC employee Monty Ashley.

Hello baby, how are you doing? Why yes, I think it’s completely appropriate for me to be shirtless. After all, how can I show off my manly chest hair? I know you like to run your hands through it.

Ah, so you noticed my wingspan. Pretty impressive, right? How many of those Angels  you know have a wingspan like this? And all they have are feathers, always molting and messing up the place. Mine? Leathery skin.

That smell? Pure sulfur. From the bowels of Hell, where I just craved out from. While I know it’s not the rich mahogany leather bound book smell you’re more likely used to, you’d be surprised; sulfur is a complete aphrodisiac. Then again, I’m me, so you really don’t need the smell to be drawn to me.

You want to know about the pile of dead bodies I’m resting upon? Baby, I did that for you, so you’d know I’d do anything and everything for you. That guy over there, the disemboweled one, no other other disemboweled one, he was staring at you all night. Seemed like a creep, a real stalker. Mutilations, beheadings, anything you want, I can do.

What? Alright, I understand. Not like you’re the only girl at the bar here tonight anyway. Man, why can I ever find the right girl for me?

(Voice Over) Match.com, where we find your soulmate. Come try our 27 point test today free for a month. Match.com, because picking up single ladies in a bar when you’re a hellspawn is hard enough.

Mini Magic Celebrity Commercial – Manliest Ad Ever

Editor’s Note: Just the ad this time. So we don’t break up the pace of this commercial, it’s going to be the dialogue only. If you don’t get this, there is the corresponding commercial after the ad. This card was spoiled by WotC employee Mike Turian.

Hello, Mages. Look at your Planeswalker, and now back to me. Now back at your Planeswalker, and now back to me. Sadly, he isn’t me, but if you stop using White Weenie decks and switch to Green Mana, he could attack like he’s me. Look down, back up, where are you? You’re on Zendikar with the Beastbreaker your Planeswalker could attack like. What’s in your hand? Back at me. I have an Rise of the Eldrazi booster pack with two cards for that deck you love. Look at it again, the cards are now moxes. Anything is possible when your Planeswalker attacks with Green Mana and not a goblin. I’m on a beast. (Whistle tune)

Magic Celebrity Commercials – SAY WHAT AGAIN!

This is the second best idea that we've ever had.
This is the second best idea that we've ever had.

Editor’s Note: This Magic Celebrity Commercial will contain NSFW language. I don’t do many posts with profanity because it’s not all that professional. Not that I’m getting paid, but I don’t need to use course language in my blog. But on the other hand since this is a Celebrity Commercial, and if I use this celebrity without language then it wouldn’t work (“Fighting a stranger in the Alps” aside). If anything might offend you, this is your warning and come back for the next post. Thank you.

INT – WIZARDS OF THE COAST MEETING ROOM – MORNING

TIM and CARL are talking to themselves as three Wizards of the Coast employees people enter the room, Mark Rosewater, known as MaRo, Mark Purvis, known as Purvis, and Aaron Forsythe, who obviously goes by Aaron. As they sit down, both Purvis and Aaron look at MaRo.

PURVIS
Are these the ad agency guys who keep coming in with horrible ideas for commercials.

MARO
One and the same.

AARON
But why are they here?

MARO
Do you know what a running joke is?

PURVIS
What is it with you and Roseanne?

MARO
Excatly.

Standing up, Tim straightens out his tie.

TIM
Welcome gentlemen to today’s pitch. As you know, I’m Tim and this is my business partner, Carl.

Carl waves and smiles. Tim picks up a pack of Planechase.

TIM
(Cont’d)
What we’ve come here to do today is to talk to you about advertising your new product, Planechase. As you know, we get famous celebrities to pitch your product to have your fans love the ad and buy it.

PURVIS
Shouldn’t that be the point of any advertising?

CARL
Yes, but we do it with flair!

AARON
Planechase is selling out all over the place, stores aren’t keeping them in stock. Why do we need to waste money by advertising it.

Carl stands up and joins Tim in the front of the room. Grabbing another pack of Planechase, Carl walks over and sit on the  table right infront of the trio.

CARL
What a handsome-looking question, sir. What you’ll get is geek cred.

MARO
But that’s what you’ve been saying the past couple of times.

TIM
(Pointing at MaRo)
You sir, remember pretty well. Yes, that’s what we do. We create viral videos that get clicked, tens maybe hundreds of times on FewTube.

PURVIS
YouTube.

CARL
(Throws his hands up)
Hey mister techno-babble guy, we just give it to our nerds locked on our basement to put it on the interweb and bam!, there it is.

MARO
(Sighing)
What do you have for us this time?

TIM
After opening up these packs and playing around with it…

He puts his hand up next to his mouth like he’s telling them a secret.

TIM
(Cont’d)
…but it was hard to understand with all of the words and the pictures…

Carl fake laughs as to go along with the joke.

TIM
(Cont’d)
…we heard the name and after a few brainstorm sessions we got the celebrity and the script. One celebrity who would be perfect for this product of yours.

MARO
And can this commerical be shown on TV?

CARL
Well, the FCC doesn’t like some of the words we’re using so we’re using this as one of those virus video type of things.

PURVIS
Viral.

AARON
What? Have you already shot this thing?

MARO
Yes, it’s something they do. Luckily we don’t have to pay them unless we buy it.

TIM
So you’ve got that going for you, which is nice.

The room is silent for a moment.

PURVIS
So, do I dare ask that we see this thing?

CARL
We’d love to.

He picks up a remote, points it at the projector and the room goes dark. (Seriously, NSFW language after here. This is your last chance.) Continue reading “Magic Celebrity Commercials – SAY WHAT AGAIN!”

Magic Celebrity Commercial – If Someone Ever Tries to Kill You, You Try and Kill ’em Right Back

Tim and Carl showing off Zendikar
Tim and Carl showing off Zendikar

http://wp.me/p5VSx-gm

INT – WIZARDS OF THE COAST MEETING ROOM – MORNING

TIM and CARL are setting up their projector and laptop when three Wizards employees enter the room: PAUL, MARK ROSEWATER and RICHARD GARFIELD. Paul looks in amazement at the two men setting up.

PAUL
What in the world are you two guys doing here. I thought I kicked you out!

TIM
You did, but we were given another chance by Mr. Rosewater over there.

Paul and Richard look at Mark confused. Mark shrugs his shoulders.

MARK
What?

CUT TO:

INT – THE PIT – AFTERNOON

Mark is sitting at his desk in the pit on the phone with his feet on the desk.

MARK
You want to hear about that time I worked Roseanne? Alright, I can do that…

TITLE CARD
2 Hours Later

MARK
(cont’d)
To make a long story short, that’s when I discovered I should leave Hollywood and do something greater with my life. Say, you guys seem like a nice bunch and listening to me, why don’t you come in with a different pitch.

CUT TO:

INT – WIZARDS OF THE COAST MEETING ROOM – MORNING

The two men are finishing up their set up as the three men from Wizards sit at the opposite end.

PAUL
(Sighing)
Alright, what do you got?

TIM
I know that last commercial we showed you was a little too risky for American audiences.

CARL
But it test markets great over in Europe. Don’t ask me, it’s different standards about having violence and whatnot on their TV.

MARK
But we don’t want to have that commercial at all…

TIM
(Cutting him off)
Exactly, which is why we went ahead and filmed another commercial with another actor with tons and tons of Geek cred.

RICHARD
Why are you guys filming the commercials before we even approve them? That doesn’t make any sense, you’re throwing money out the window.

CARL
(Sarcastically)
Well, excuse me. What are you, some kind of doctor?

RICHARD
Why yes, I have a P.h.D. in Mathematics…

TIM
(Cutting him off)
Fascinating. Listen,  you don’t understand how Hollywood works.

Mark raises his hand and smiles.

MARK
I do! Why, I even…

TIM
(Rolling his eyes)
We know we know. I mean, people make movies without approval or even scripts all the time. Look at G.I. Joe.

PAUL
G.I. Joe is owned by Hasbro.

CARL
You’re point being?

MARK
We’re owned by Hasbro.

TIM
Still not following you…

CARL
We’re getting off track. Anyway, this guy is a real geek icon and I think it would suit the Magic brand well if we had him on board. Without further ado, our new commercial.

Tim picks up the remote and hits play. Continue reading “Magic Celebrity Commercial – If Someone Ever Tries to Kill You, You Try and Kill ’em Right Back”

Magic Celebrity Commercial – You Like Fallen Empires?

Shut up, fool@
Shut up, fool!

INT – WIZARDS OF THE COAST MEETING ROOM – MORNING

Inside one of the meeting rooms, two members of a marketing company, TIM and CARL get ready to pitch a series of commercials for the Magic: the Gathering brand. Sitting across the room are several managers of Wizards of the Coast and MARK ROSEWATER, head of Magic Design. Tim stands up and smiles.

TIM
Thank you gentlemen for meeting with us today. As you know, Blizzard decided to do some commercials for World of Warcraft with celebrities saying they played the game themselves. Those commercials were wildly successful and anything that we’ve learned is that if it works once, it will work again. We have come to you thinking the same thing: showing celebrities loving your game.

PAUL, one of the Wizards employees nods in agreement.

PAUL
That sounds perfectly reasonable. I’m sure that some of the Pro Tour players would love to be in a commercial.

Carl, sitting to Tim’s right, shakes his head no.

CARL
No, we’re thinking of movie celebrities, that lost of people know. What do William Shatner and Mr. T have in common? They have geek cred. You get someone your core demographic is familiar with,the you can have the geek cred as well.

MARK
When I was working on Roseanne…

TIM
(Cutting him off)
Fascinating story, I’m sure. We’ve already filmed a pair of commercials with a high profile actor who has a ton of geek cred.

Tim picks up a remote and points it at the screen.

TIM
(cont’d)
Let’s watch. Continue reading “Magic Celebrity Commercial – You Like Fallen Empires?”

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