Magic Celebrity Commercials – SAY WHAT AGAIN!

This is the second best idea that we've ever had.
This is the second best idea that we've ever had.

Editor’s Note: This Magic Celebrity Commercial will contain NSFW language. I don’t do many posts with profanity because it’s not all that professional. Not that I’m getting paid, but I don’t need to use course language in my blog. But on the other hand since this is a Celebrity Commercial, and if I use this celebrity without language then it wouldn’t work (“Fighting a stranger in the Alps” aside). If anything might offend you, this is your warning and come back for the next post. Thank you.

INT – WIZARDS OF THE COAST MEETING ROOM – MORNING

TIM and CARL are talking to themselves as three Wizards of the Coast employees people enter the room, Mark Rosewater, known as MaRo, Mark Purvis, known as Purvis, and Aaron Forsythe, who obviously goes by Aaron. As they sit down, both Purvis and Aaron look at MaRo.

PURVIS
Are these the ad agency guys who keep coming in with horrible ideas for commercials.

MARO
One and the same.

AARON
But why are they here?

MARO
Do you know what a running joke is?

PURVIS
What is it with you and Roseanne?

MARO
Excatly.

Standing up, Tim straightens out his tie.

TIM
Welcome gentlemen to today’s pitch. As you know, I’m Tim and this is my business partner, Carl.

Carl waves and smiles. Tim picks up a pack of Planechase.

TIM
(Cont’d)
What we’ve come here to do today is to talk to you about advertising your new product, Planechase. As you know, we get famous celebrities to pitch your product to have your fans love the ad and buy it.

PURVIS
Shouldn’t that be the point of any advertising?

CARL
Yes, but we do it with flair!

AARON
Planechase is selling out all over the place, stores aren’t keeping them in stock. Why do we need to waste money by advertising it.

Carl stands up and joins Tim in the front of the room. Grabbing another pack of Planechase, Carl walks over and sit on the  table right infront of the trio.

CARL
What a handsome-looking question, sir. What you’ll get is geek cred.

MARO
But that’s what you’ve been saying the past couple of times.

TIM
(Pointing at MaRo)
You sir, remember pretty well. Yes, that’s what we do. We create viral videos that get clicked, tens maybe hundreds of times on FewTube.

PURVIS
YouTube.

CARL
(Throws his hands up)
Hey mister techno-babble guy, we just give it to our nerds locked on our basement to put it on the interweb and bam!, there it is.

MARO
(Sighing)
What do you have for us this time?

TIM
After opening up these packs and playing around with it…

He puts his hand up next to his mouth like he’s telling them a secret.

TIM
(Cont’d)
…but it was hard to understand with all of the words and the pictures…

Carl fake laughs as to go along with the joke.

TIM
(Cont’d)
…we heard the name and after a few brainstorm sessions we got the celebrity and the script. One celebrity who would be perfect for this product of yours.

MARO
And can this commerical be shown on TV?

CARL
Well, the FCC doesn’t like some of the words we’re using so we’re using this as one of those virus video type of things.

PURVIS
Viral.

AARON
What? Have you already shot this thing?

MARO
Yes, it’s something they do. Luckily we don’t have to pay them unless we buy it.

TIM
So you’ve got that going for you, which is nice.

The room is silent for a moment.

PURVIS
So, do I dare ask that we see this thing?

CARL
We’d love to.

He picks up a remote, points it at the projector and the room goes dark. (Seriously, NSFW language after here. This is your last chance.)

INT – COMIC BOOK SHOP – NIGHT

Brain walks into the store with his backpack and sees a group of friends playing a game of Magic. Walking over, he notices that there is someone new in their group. NICK is there as well as JORDAN the guy with really bad hair.

BRAIN
Hey guys, how do you like Planechase, the new Magic the Gathering product?

NICK
We love it. We mixed the cards that came with that game with our own and are having even more fun.

Brian looks at the new player then realizes who it is.

BRIAN
You’re Samuel L Jackson!

Samuel L Jackson and TeferiSAMUEL L JACKSON looks up from his card hand and smiles.

SLJ
Damn right it is. How you doing?

BRIAN
(Flabbergasted)
Wow, you are one of my favorite actors ever.

SLJ
Thanks man, I appreciate that.

Samuel L Jackson turns to the multiplayer game.

BRIAN
Who’s playing what?

JORDAN
Well, Samuel L Jackson is playing his Blue/White multipler control deck, Nick’s playing his mono-Green Snake deck, and I’m playing my five color fun deck. Here we are, stuck on Llanowar and Mike is killing everyone with his snakes.

The table is covered in green creatures, all Nick’s. The Llanowar Planechase card is on the table teasing all of the other players with very few creatures in play.

SLJ
Yo, Flock of Seagulls, you done?

JORDAN
Not yet. Second main phase.

He taps four lands and plays Concentrate.

JORDAN
(Cont’d)
I mean, I’ve been targeting everyone and playing fair with the best intentions…

Samuel L Jackson taps his Guilded Lotus, pulls a card from his hand and slaps it on the table hard. It’s Cancel. Everyone in the store looks at the game and Jordan shuts up.

SLJ
Oh, I’m sorry, did I break your concentration?

Jordan shakes his head no.

SLJ
(cont’d)
I didn’t mean to do that. Please, continue. You were talking about best intentions.

Everyone is still silent, wondering what’s going to happen next.

SLJ
(cont’d)
Oh, you were finished? Well allow me to retort.

Samuel L Jackson taps all of his land and holds a card from his hand infront of his face.

SLJ
(cont’d)
What does Teferi look like?

JORDAN
What?

SLJ
What plane are you from?

JORDAN
(Confused)
What?

SLJ
“What” ain’t no Plane I ever heard of. Do they speak English in What?

JORDAN
(Stammering)
Wha, wha What?

SLJ
(Yelling)
ENGLISH MOTHERFUCKER, DO YOU SPEAK IT?!

JORDAN
(Scared out of his mind)
Yes!

SLJ
Then you know what I’m sayin’.

JORDAN
Yes!

SLJ
What does Teferi look like?

JORDAN
(Confused)
What?

Standing up and towering over the other players, Samuel L Jackson looks directly at Jordan.

SLJ
(Yelling)
SAY ‘WHAT’ AGAIN. SAY ‘WHAT’ AGAIN! I DARE YOU, I DOUBLE DARE YOU MOTHERFUCKER! SAY ‘WHAT’ ONE MORE GODDAMN TIME!

Jordan is cowering in his chair, and no one would be surprised if he had wet himself.

JORDAN
(Stammering)
He, he, he’s Black.

SLJ
Go on…

JORDAN
He’s bald…

SLJ
Does he look like a bitch?

JORDAN
(Very confused)
What?

Samuel L Jackson reaches down and taps his Prodigal Tutor and points his finger at Jordan. He winces in pain and he rolls his life die down to 2.

SLJ
(Yelling)
DOES HE LOOK LIKE A BITCH?

JORDAN
(Yelling)
NO!

SLJ
They why did you try and discard him like a bitch?

JORDAN
I didn’t.

He points at the hymn to Tourach in Jordan’s graveyard.

SLJ
(Yelling)
YES YOU DID! YES YOU DID, JORDAN. You tried to discard him. And Teferi doesn’t like to be discarded by anybody but Mrs. Ballard.

He sits back down and lays Teferi on the table. Everyone in the store is dead silent. Samuel L Jackson looks around with his stare, then untaps, and draws a card. Looking around he decides to attack Nick since most of his creatures are tapped. Nick smiles and points at his flipped Shidako, Broodmistress.

NICK
Block, sac a few snakes, Teferi goes away.

Nick looks pretty happy with himself and leans back in his chair. Samuel L Jackson slams his fists on the table. Putting his Teferi into his graveyard, he then picks up the planar dice.

SLJ
(YELLING)
ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! I’VE HAD IT WITH THESE MOTHERFUCKING SNAKES ON THIS MOTHERFUCKING PLANE!

Snakes, on my Plane? It's more likely then you think.
Snakes, on my Plane? It's more likely then you think.

Cheers come from everyone in the store as a kid in the background faints. He rolls the dice. Planeswalker symbol. Samuel L Jackson flips over his Planar deck to revel Otaria. A devious smile develops on his face. Riffling through his graveyard. Tapping some land he plays Final Judgment with flashback thanks to Otaria. The other players started picking up their creatures and putting them in the Exile zone.

NICK
Did my snakes all have to die?

SLJ
(YELLING)
YES THEY DESERVE TO DIE AND I HOPE THE BURN IN EXILE!

TITLE CARD
Magic: the Gathering introduces Planechase
Now you can play anywhere.

CUT BACK TO GAME:

As they’re cleaning up their game, Samuel L Jackson leans over to Brian.

SLJ
I want you to go into my bag and find my deckbox.

BRAIN
Uh, sure. Which one is it?

SLJ
The one that  says Bad Motherfucker.

FADE TO BLACK:

The Wizards employees just look at the screen.

AARON
What just happened?

CARL
That just happened. Guaranteed one thousand hits by the end of the day that we post it.

PURVIS
How did you get him to do it?

EXT – SEAWORLD SHARK TANK – AFTERNOON

Tim and Carl are standing on the edge of the shark tank with Samuel L Jackson tied up between them. The two are trying to push Samuel L Jackson in while he resits.

CUT BACK TO CONFERENCE ROOM

MARO
All of that was for one obvious joke?

TIM
Come on, it wasn’t that obvious was it?

PURVIS
Yes it was. Don’t you think that meme is played out already?

CARL
What do you mean? I don’t…

KANYE WEST bursts through the door.

KANYE
Yo, Carl, I’m real happy for you and I’mma gonna let you finish, but Rickroll’d was one of the the best memes that went mainstream of all time. OF ALL TIME!

Silence in the room.

CUT TO:
INT – ROBBY’S HOME OFFICE – AFTERNOON

Robby’s sitting at his desk reading what he wrote.

ROBBY
Why can’t I stop? This is like an SNL sketch that has no end. What am…

Kanye West bursts through the door.

KANYE
Yo, Robby, I’m real happy for you and I’mma gonna let you finish, but Adaptation. had one of the best meta twisting writing the author into the script story lines of all time. OF ALL TIME!

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4 thoughts on “Magic Celebrity Commercials – SAY WHAT AGAIN!”

  1. I got to the bit about “What does Teferri look like” and just started howling… absolutely hilarious right up! Bravo! SL just happens to be one of my favorite actors as well, most due to that very scene in Pulp Fiction. A classic. 🙂

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