Magic Celebrity Commercial – Now I’m Just Pandering to the Internet

(Editor’s Note: Look, if you don’t know what’s going on after the first picture there’s nothing I can do for you; stop reading the post. If I didn’t get your favorite in here, I apologize, there might be a follow-up. – MtGCP)

INT. – WIZARDS OF THE COAST MEETING ROOM – MORNING

MARK ROSEWATER, KEN NAGLE, ELAINE CHASE are all sitting at a table in a conference room staring at a blue curtain that has been set up for a presentation. The three can hear hushed voices behind the curtain, but can’t understand them.

MARO
Listen, Ken. I’m really liking your new set, Worldwake. All of us are proud for you for what you did, especially for the first time leading a set.

KEN
Well, I’m really proud of it myself.

MARO
And I find it a little endearing that you want to kind of take over everything for this set including preview cards and advertising…

ELAINE
Hey, as head of Magic Brand, he’s made my job a easier.

MARO
But why do you want to go with these guys when we already have?

KEN
Well, I have a friend from California who’s friend said to give these guys a chance. They come from a different background and they have some new ideas and how we can market ourselves differently. Apparently, one of them’s really into Magic.

MARO
Alright, we’ll give them a chance. At least it’s not those two idiots this time.

ELAINE
I never got to meet them.

MARO
Count yourself lucky.

They look at the curtain and see a hand sneak out from behind it. It presses play on the CD player and the room is filled with a horn intro. The three look a little confused.

MARO
(Cont’d)
Wow, I haven’t heard this song in forever. I can’t quite remember it’s name…

After the drum intro, the song goes into its chorus and a man rips open the curtain and jumps out. He’s got cards in each one of his hands, a knife in his mouth and dancing spasticly to the music. The three WotC employees are in horror.

The man spits out the knife to the floor and looks intently at the WotC group, smiling too much. Another man steps out from behind the curtain avoiding the dancing man.

MICHAEL
Hello there Wizards of the Coast. My name is Michael Bluth and this is my brother, GOB. And we’d like to talk to you about your Magic line.

GOB tosses the cards away and saunters over to Elaine and holds out a deck of cards of here.

GOB
Go ahead, pick a card.

She does. 9 of Clubs.

GOB
(Cont’d)
Alright, now put it back.

She does. With one motion he shuffles up the deck then throws the deck of cards against the wall. They all scatter and none of them stick. Bending down, he picks one up and shows it to her. 3 of Hearts.

GOB
(Cont’d)
Is this your card?

Elaine shakes her head no.

GOB
(Cont’d)
Well, I guess you’ll have to take the shirt off my back!

He rips open his shirt to reveal he’s painted a Q of Spades on his chest.

MARO
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Let me stop you guys here. Go ahead and turn off the music.

MICHAEL reaches over and hits stop. Walking back to the front of the room, GOB is buttoning up his shirt.

MICHAEL
(To GOB)
I thought you said that tricked worked.

GOB
(To Michael)
It does, she just got it wrong.

MICHAEL
Yes, so we want to talk about some advertising ideas for your Magic brand. As you can see, my brother is a magician and does tricks…

GOB
Illusions, Michael! Tricks are what a whore does for money…

Awkward silence.

KEN
Listen, I don’t know how to say this, but we don’t actually make magic products, but Magic cards. You know, like collectible gaming cards.

He slides over a booster pack of Worldwake across the table. GOB starts to laugh and opens it up.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
Finally realizing that it was indeed a different type of Magic, GOB’s dream of becoming WotC fulltime spokesman were over before they began.

GOB
I’ve made a huge mistake.

MICHAEL
So, you’re telling me that you don’t specialize in magic products, but this game?

GOB
Well, there goes my cover story for Poof magazine.

The WotC people nod as MICHAEL grabs the cards from his brother.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
Michael recognizes the cards as he’s seen his son, George Michael, play this with his friends before. Well, not really friends plural, but he had seen them scattered in his son’s room before.

MICHAEL
Listen, this is all just a huge misunderstanding. If you give me a minute, let me talk to my son who loves your game, and I’m sure some of the same things we were planning for advertising would work just fine.

MICHEAL starts to head for the door apologizing profusely. Suddenly, it slams open and there is another figure standing in the doorway.

TOBIAS
Michael! What a pleasant surprise!

MICHAEL
(really confused)
Tobias?

TOBIAS
Of course it’s me. I’m hear to talk to these wonderful people about maybe leading in their new commercials for their new set they’re releasing.

MICHAEL
But why are you all blue?

TOBAIS
This Magic thing is based of that one movie that new James Cameron made that’s completely destroying box office records.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
Tobais was confusing Magic, the game, with Avatar, the 3-D movie. They both have been advertised with flying mountains; those were just a happy coincidence and had nothing to do with each other. Of course, it wasn’t the first time that a James Cameron movie was mistaken for tie-in with another product.

KEN
Actually, people get those confused all the time. We have nothing to do with Avatar. Those are just a happy coincidence.

TOBIAS
You mean I just blue myself for no reason?

TOBIAS slumps down, head held low as he walks out of the conference room.

ELAINE
Listen, I understand with painting your body blue, but the cut-off jeans?

MICHAEL
Yeah, it’s kinda hard to explain. He’s a never-nude.

ELAINE
What’s that?

MICHAEL
Exactly what it sounds like.

ELAINE
Weird.

MARO
Not really, there’s several of us…
(beat)
…them, around. I’ve heard it before.

MICHAEL
I’ll be right back, I’m so sorry.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
And Michael left to go find his son he let wander around. In the back of his mind, he knew that it might not be the best idea to let GOB entertain them while he was gone.

GOB hits play on the CD player and starts to dance to the music again, placing another knife in his mouth.

INT. – WIZARDS OF THE COAST PIT – MORNING

GEORGE MICHAEL and MAEBE are walking in The Pit, looking at people’s desks as they stroll by.

GEORGE MICHAEL
Wow, I can’t really believe I’m here. This is like a geek’s dream.

MAEBE
Yeah, well, I’m glad you’re excited. I’m just glad to be away from my parents.

AARON FORSYTHE sees the kids walking around unattended and goes over to confront them.

AARON
Hey, you kids can’t be here.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
George Michael was scared because he didn’t want his DCI number taken away. He looked over to Maebe as she was one who got out of this situations quite easily.

MAEBE
Marry me!

AARON
Aren’t you like 15?

Awkward silence.

MAEBE
Babysit me!

NARRATOR (V.O.)
It was just then that Michael found his son and niece.

MICHAEL
Oh there you are. Come on you two, you don’t need to bother this man doing his job. George Michael, I need to talk to you for a second. MAEBE, your father’s around here somewhere, he should be easy to spot.

There was a yell and a punching sound as everyone looked that direction.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
Maebe’s father had now been found. The four walked over there to see another WotC employee with blue knuckles and Tobias screaming in pain grabbing his face.

AARON
What’s the problem, Monty?

MONTY
I was a little sad because I have to reinstall everything on my computer and this guy comes over and tries to cheer me up by trying to do things to me.

TOBIAS
All I did was wanted to know if he wanted to talk about it and give him one of my business cards.

MICHAEL
No, oh.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
Oh yes.

MICHAEL
I thought you were ordered by the court to get rid of those cards.

TOBIAS
No, I was ordered not to order new ones. Big difference.

AARON
Listen, I don’t know who you people are, but I want you out of here.

MICHAEL
We’re doing a pitch about advertising for your Magic product.

AARON
Why are all of you advertising people so crazy? Now get out of here before I call security.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
For the first time in his life, Michael wishes he had one of GOB’s “Forget-me-nots.”

INT. – WIZARDS OF THE COAST MEETING ROOM – MORNING

NARRATOR (V.O.)
(Cont’d)
Meanwhile in the conference room, GOB had run out of Magic tricks and decided that he needed some help entertaining  the three employees that had already lost interest.

Everyone else bursts into the room to see GOB standing in the front of the room with FRANKLIN.

GEORGE MICHAEL
Franklin!

FRANKLIN
Hey there my cracker-ass friend.

MICHAEL
GOB, I don’t this is the time for Franklin.

GOB
It’s always time for Franklin.

GOB strolls up to ELAINE; FRANKLIN’s right in front of her face.

FRANKLIN
Hey, how about some brown sugar, baby?

KEN
Hey, that’s my co-worker!

And KEN reaches over and starts to strangle FRANKLIN.

GOB
Hey, that’s my wrist!

A loud whistle echos in the room and every turns to MARO.

MARO
Everyone who’s not a Wizards employee, grab your stuff and get out. Now!

NARRATOR (V.O.)
The Bluth family stopped what they were doing and helped pack up the props they were going to use for their presentation. All, but one.

MICHAEL
GOB, are you going to help?

GOB
(Scoffing)
What, like the guy in the $5000 suit’s going to carry anything out.

GOB reaches into his pocket and places a business card on the table as the Bluth family leaves.

GOB
(Cont’d)
You’ll be hearing from my lawyer, Bob Loblaw.

And they left. A deep audible sigh from ELAINE. MARO turns to KEN.

MARO
And that’s why you don’t hire anyone based off a friend’s friend recommendation.

FADE TO BLACK.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
On the next Magic Celebrity Commercial: After a legal battle with the Wizards of the Coast employees, one of the Bluths end up in the hospital.

INT. HOSPITAL – AFTERNOON

A number of the Bluths are standing around the DOCTOR.

DOCTOR
Well, it looks like it’s beyond repair. There’s nothing I can do.

Everyone gasps.

BUSTER (Off Screen)
(Yelling)
I’m a monster!

MICHAEL
Wait, let him finish.

DOCTOR
It looks like you’re going to have to get him a new hook.

Everyone screams and throws things at the DOCTOR.

FADE TO BLACK.