Magic Cinema – Eldrazibusters

Ghostbusters Poster

I’ve got two major passions in my life: movies and Magic. Sometimes they combine. This is one of those times. I apologize to any Vorthos that may see any canon that is off here. But as far as I know, this is a completely true story that I know totally happened like this.

EldraziBusters

There have been unconfirmed sightings of the mythical beings known as Eldrazi seen all over the plane of Zendikar destroying the landscape. Cultures on Zendikar worshiped them as Gods for thousands of years until their release a few years ago. Now, four Planeswalkers are on Zendikar to stop these giant beings. Ob Nixilis, a former demon Planeswalker, is trying to prevent this group from completing their mission. The dragon Planeswalker Ugin, who has just awoken from his slumber, is in his old cave, the Eye of Ugin, trying to save the plane from the mysterious destruction that is taking place.

INT – EYE OF UGIN – AFTERNOON

The great dragon Planeswalker UGIN is talking to a collection of his best minds in front of a map of Zendikar.

UGIN
I’ve got a plane blowing up and you guys are not giving me any answers.

VAMPIRE
We’re checking Akoum The Roil, Tazeem…

A GOBLIN enters the room and cuts him off.

GOBLIN
The Planeswalkers are here, Mr. Ugin.

UGIN
The Planeswalkers, okay, the Planeswalkers.

Everyone turns their attention as the Planeswalkers CHANDRA NALAAR, GIDEON JURA, KIORA and JACE BELEREN are being forced into the Eye of Ugin cave by a collection of ELEMENTALS.

UGIN (cont’d)
Hey, and where’s this Ob?

OB NIXILIS slithers into the room pushing past the Planeswalkers to make his presence known.

OB
I am Ob Nixilis, sir, and I would like to make a full report. The planeswalkers are consument Snowfall artists. The use magic and tricks to induce hallucinations. People think they’re seeing the Eldrazi Gods, and they call these bozos who conveniently show up to deal with the problem with a fake illusion show.

GIDEON
(To Ugin)
Everything was fine with our process until the mana was messed up by Sparkless over here.

OB
They caused Sejiri to be destroyed!

UGIN
(to Planeswalkers)
Is this true?

CHANDRA
Yes, it’s true: this Demon has no Spark.

OB charges at CHANDRA and causes a commotion but UGIN breaks the fight apart. They all go back to their corners.

OB
(Throwing his hands in the air)
Alright! Alright! Alright!

CHANDRA
Well, that’s what I heard!

UGIN
Now what am I going to do here, Angel? What is this?

ANGEL
All I know is that it was no beast that we saw this morning. I’ve seen every type of animal on this plane, but this beats the hell outta me.

VAMPIRE
(To Ob)
The Roil’s water sometimes turns to blood. How do you explain that?

NISSA enters the cave.

NISSA
Good afternoon, everyone.

UGIN
Oh, Zendikar’s Protector.

He greats her with respect. Ts the other Planeswalkers share an “Oh no” look with each other..

UGIN (cont’d)
We’re in a real fix here. What do you think I should do?

NISSA
Uggy, officially the Plane will not take any position on the religious implications of these… phenomena. Personally Uggy, I think this is a sign that these aren’t Gods. But don’t quote me on that.

UGIN
Well, I’m not going to call a press conference and tell everyone to start praying.

KIORA nervously comes from the back of the group forward to talk to the Dragon directly.

KIORA
I’m, uh, Kiora, just Kiora, your honor. Look, I’ve only been with these planeswalkers for a couple of weeks, but I gotta tell you: these things are real. Since I joined these walkers, I have seen shit that will turn you colored.

CHANDRA
Well you can believe Mr. Knob…

OB
My name is Ob.

CHANDRA
…Or you can accept the fact that this plane is headed for a disaster of Pre-Modern design.

UGIN
What do you mean “Pre-modern”?

GIDEON
What he means is Pre-Mending, Mr Ugin. Real Wrath of God type stuff. Fire and Brimstone coming down from the skies. Raging Rivers and Boiling Seas.

JACE
Forty years of Darkness. Earthquakes. Active Volcanoes.

KIORA
The dead Rising from the Grave!

JACE
Well, that one’s not…

CHANDRA
Human Sacrifice. Dogs and Cats living together. Mass Hysteria!

UGIN
ENOUGH! I get the point!
(beat)
But what if you’re wrong?

CHANDRA
If I’m wrong nothing happens! We leave the plane. Peacefully, quietly, we’ll enjoy it. But if I’m right, and we can stop this thing, Uggy… you will have saved the lives of millions of potential worshipers.

A smile creeps across UGIN as he looks at NISSA. She nods in agreement. OB storms over to CHANDRA upset.

OB
(to Ugin)
I don’t believe that you’re seriously considering listening to these Walkers.

UGIN’S eyes shift between CHANDRA and OB. CHANDRA shoots UGIN a “Can you believe this guy?” look. UGIN then makes a decision.

UGIN
(pointing at Ob)
Get him out of here.

CHANDRA
(Smugly at Ob)
Bye.

OB is surrounded by creatures as he gets dragged away from the room.

OB
I’ll fix you, Nalaar. I’m gonna fix you.

CHANDRA
I’m gonna get you a nice Fruitcake Elemental.
(To the other Planeswalkers, sarcastically)
I’m gonna miss him.

UGIN
We got work to do. Now what do you need from me?

(To the Video)

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