Magic Cinema – The Planeswalker of Wall Street

Show me a decklist for $72,000, I’ll quit my job right now and play that deck.

mHP0138The Wolf of Wall Street is a three hour Martin Scorsese devoted to excess. Of course being a three hour Scorsese movie doesn’t mean anything, but the story just goes on and on. Does it work? Sure. Is it his best work? It’s better than Shutter Island and possibly his best movie with DiCaprio.

Scorsese’s movies include famous scenes that transcend pop culture and enter into our collective lexicon. There’s the “You talkin’ to me” from Taxi Driver, “How am I funny?” From Goodfellas, and the Jordan Belfort yelling scene from The Wolf of Wall Street. Which yelling scene? I mean he yells a lot in this movie.

While it would be fun to grab a scene with Jonah Hill, it’s the scene before the climax that gets the nod here. The feds are starting to close in on Jordan Belfort (Teferi) so he decides take the deal that the FBI is offering instead of being prosecuted. Sounds similar to what the DCI might do with Teferi’s legality in Standard. Teferi address the Standard Pool one last time before he heads off into the sunset.

NSFW language, because Scorsese.

INT. MAGIC STANDARD FORMAT OFFICE BULLPEN – DAY

TEFERI, TIME RAVELER enters the packed room to APPLAUSE. Everyone know what’s going on today: Teferi is announcing his retirement before the DCI outright bans him. It’s a “forced” retirement but it will be better then what the governing body will do to him. He gives HYDRO KRASIS a warm embrace then shares a moment with NARSET, PARTER OF VEILS before going on stage. He’s clearly emotional. TEFERI calms the applause down then takes a second to gather his thoughts.

TEFERI
You know, a year ago when I entered into Standard with Narest, Parter of Veils I knew the day would eventually come where I’d have to be moving on.
(Deep Breath)
It’s truly with a heavy heart that I’m here to say that… that day is finally here.

The crowd hang their heads, some plead with him to stay, other say “no”. The end of the fun times are over, everyone is deflated.

TEFERI (CONT’D)
I want to take you all for your months of loyalty and admiration. But, um, the point is this: Under Narset’s leadership along with Ugin and Lukka moving into key deck slots, this format is really going to be better than ever. That I promise you.

There’s some disgruntled applause, trying to sike themselves up.

TEFERI (CONT’D)
This is a melting pot, dear people. Who you are- where you’re from, whether your cardboard came from a fuckin’ Eldraine Collector’s pack or free deck giveaway. This right here is the format of opportunity. The Standard Format IS Magic!

The crowd cheers. TEFERI feels the rush of being a leader once more. He sees AGENT OF TREACHERY in the crowd.

TEFERI (CONT’D)
All of you know Agent of Treachery, right?

There’s a couple whistles and knowing calls. Agent smiles.

AGENT OF TREACHERY
(Playfully)
Ha! Fuck you!

TEFERI
What you don’t know is that Agent was one of hidden gems here. Now most of you met Agent, one of the beautiful, most played cards today. A card that foils are worth more than twice their regular amount. A card that gets double sleeved. A card that sees plenty of time at the top tables and casual ones.

TEFERI stares at AGENT, almost lovingly for a beat.

TEFERI (CONT’D)
That’s not the Agent I met. The Agent that I met was a bulk bin rare. He was an overpriced card that reviewers called “Commander Only.” He was three months printed without seeing any competitive play. And when he came to me and asked me for a role, he asked to be put in the sideboard for some secret tech just so he could show up on a top decklist somewhere.

AGENT gets emotional hearing his story told to everyone in the room. He remembers.

TEFERI (CONT’D)
And what did I do, Agent? Come on, tell ’em.

AGENT OF TREACHERY
You put me as a 4-of in a winning deck.

TEFERI
That’s right.

AGENT mouths “Thank you” to him. The crowd is dead silent.

TEFERI (CONT’D)
(Emotional)
And you know why that is? Because I believed in you. It’s because I believed in you, Agent. Just like I believe in each and every one of you here today.

AGENT OF TREACHERY
I fucking love you, Teferi.

TEFERI
I fucking love you!

The crowd starts to cheer again.

TEFERI (CONT’D)
I fucking love you too! And I love all of you! I love all of you from the bottom of my heart! I mean it!

TEFERI soaks up the cheers, “I love you’s” and looks at NARSET. Now TEFERI has to bring this home and step down, for the good of him and the format. But there’s a change in TEFERI. The crowd quiets again.

TEFERI (CONT’D)
It’s a shame, you know, ’cause for months I’ve been telling you guys never to take no for an answer, right? You know, to keep bouncing and drawing cards until you get what you want. Because you all deserve it. You know this fuckin’ deal I’m about to sign, barring me from Pioneer barring me from Standard, my deckbox…

TEFERI laughs at the absurdity of it all.

TEFERI (CONT’D)
…what the fuck is that? I’ll tell you what it is. It’s… me taking no for an answer, you know. It’s them stopping me, not the other way around. It’s me being a hypocrite is what it is.

A deep breath. TEFERI’S made up his mind.

TEFERI (CONT’D)
So…
(long beat)
…you know what?
(beat)
…I’m not leaving.

Everyone in the room is shocked and starts to murmur. TEFERI is confidant in his decision now.

TEFERI (CONT’D)
I’m not leaving.
(beat)
I’M NOTFUCKINGLEAVING!

The room ERUPTS. NARSET yells, HYRDO KRASIS hurts itself in confusion; TEFERI has screwed up. The crowd just keeps getting louder.

TEFERI (CONT’D)
THE SHOW GOES ON! THIS IS MY HOME! THEY’RE GONNA NEED A FUCKING ELIMINATE TO TAKE ME OUTTA HERE! THEY’RE GONNA NEED TO SEND IN THE NATIONAL TOKEN ARMY! A FUCKING GOBLIN S.W.A.T. TEAM CAUSE I AIN’T GOING NOWHERE!!

The room is filled with nothing but cheers. Everyone is behind this decision.

TEFERI (CONT’D)
FUCK THEM!

TEFERI starts to FLICK the cards in his hand and hum in rhythm. Everyone joins flicking their cards and humming in making it almost like a religious experience. TEFERI leaps off the stage and starts mingling with his followers, giving hugs and going deeper in the crowd. HYDRO KRASIS rushes the stage.

HYDRO KRASIS
Teferi! Teferi get back here!

Everyone gets louder as they flick their cards and hum.

HYDRO KRASIS (CONT’D)
What is this, some sort of grinder tournament for Christ sake?

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