Magic Cinema – Who Framed Mark Rosewater?

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It’s my first Magic Cinema in a while and I’m going to do more of a short than a single scene. Some of you will recognize the title and the poster and kinda guess where this is going, but I’m going to deviate from that a little bit. It’s said that in writing that one shouldn’t get too caught up in love with a single scene or line because that warps the whole writing; don’t let the whole work suffer because of one section.

But that’s different in parodies. You want to reference that one line or that one scene because that’s the whole point of the parody, to make fun of something while using another reference to do it. While there’s no official “laws” in comedy, I believe that there needs to be common reference points or there’s no joke. If someone doesn’t get what you’re referencing, they won’t find it funny.

That’s how a lot of stand-up comedians work: “You ever notice,” is a common start of a bit. Basically he/she is telling you “This is what I’m going to talk about. Remember it, get the reference.” Here’s a link to a short of Saturday Morning Watchmen on YouTube. If you’ve never read Watchmen or seen the movie, or know anything Alan Moore, you wouldn’t get the joke; there’s no frame of reference for you. While I won’t go into all of the jokes (there’s one in every frame) the fact that some people don’t find anything funny sometimes is because there’s nothing for them to compare it to.

So, why all this? Well, I’ve wanted to do more of a traditional Film Noir, the one with the voice over and the trench coat; typical Humphrey Bogart stuff. Trouble is, most people wouldn’t get that, so I picked the next closest thing I could find: a children’s film, something everyone should have seen. You’ll see a hybrid of “traditional” noir with Roger Rabbit thrown in. Plus, there’s a scene and a line in here (if you’ve watched the movie you’ll recognize it), that I want to parody. Really bad.

Who Framed Mark Rosewater?

EXT – INSTANT AND SORCERY CLUB – NIGHT

A guy walks down the dark ally between two brick buildings. He wears the traditional TRENCH COAT and FEDORA as any good, or cheesy, private eye would do. With his hands shoved in his pockets, he slowly makes his way to an old, beat up door.

ROBBY
(V.O.)
Being a private eye has it’s perks; you can work the hours you want, the pay can be decent if you can find the work, and you’re helping somebody out. But this time, it was different. Someone needed my help on something so stupid I almost didn’t take it. ‘Course, nothing sounds stupid when they drop an incentive so great you can’t help but take it.

INT – ROBBY’S PRIVATE EYE’S OFFICE – NIGHT

It was just like any other private eye’s office: hardwood floor, window in the door, a desk and chair sitting under the large window on the wall opposite of the door. Sitting at his desk ROBBY is playing Magic: The Gathering Online on his computer. A soft knock on the glass and ROBBY doesn’t look up from his computer.

ROBBY
Come in.

In walks a tall raven-haired woman and shuts the door behind her. Sitting down, she slides an MANILA ENVELOPE across the desk. ROBBY finally looks up and sees her.

ROBBY
(Cont’d)
How can I help you, Miss…

She takes out a cigarette from her purse and lights it, revealing her face for the first time.

ELSPETH
Elspeth. You can call me Elspeth.

Continue reading “Magic Cinema – Who Framed Mark Rosewater?”

Magic Cinema – The Top 8 Lebowski

This is what happens when you find a stranger in the Alps!

Let me tell you something that might shock you: I’ve never been in a large tournament Top 8 before. As you know from previous posts, I don’t get to do all the much “serious” playing and when I do, I don’t play such decks that are commonly referred to as “The Best Deck in the Format;” it’s more of a fun roguish build.

Anyway, when I watch players in the Top 8, I always imagine them having a good time having fun and enjoying the moment. But before the matches, I think they would trash talk to each other. “You think your Blue-White control deck can really handle my Jund deck? Ha!” You know, things like that. I just take it one step further.

This is semi-dedicated to/inspired by Kurt Porter, the 8 year-old who made Day 2 of Grand Prix: Kuala Lumpur. He’s not old enough to see this movie, and is as old as the oldest cards in Extended. I don’t want to see Chris Hanson or have people up in arms over this, it’s all a spoof. NSFW language follows.

The Top 8 Lebowski

It’s the last round of a large local Magic tournament. The event has been pretty tense as the night continues on. Three friends, CHRIS, GREG, and NELSON are sitting at a side table playing EDH while the last table is still competing. Chris knows he’s going to be in the Top 8 and is trying to ease his mind while playing some EDH with his friends. Also on his mind is the fact that he’s helping his friend who had his card shop burgled and the cards are being held for ransom by the unknown party.

INT. GAMING CENTER – NIGHT

People are gathered around the last two people competing for the coveted Top 8 spot. JESUS QUINTANA and HENRY are battling it out. The music emitting from JESUS’ headphones is Hotel California by The Gypsy Kings. As JESUS gets ready for his next turn, he shuffles his hand around, licks one of his cards lovingly, stares intensely at his opponent, then untaps and draws. The camera pans in towards his card hand and off the right is the name “JESUS” stitched on his shirt pocket above a Magic blog’s name. With a smooth motion, he drops a Bloodbraid Elf on the table, and Cascades into Maelstrom Pulse, killing his opponent’s only creature.

This insures his victory.

As the beat of the music changes, JESUS rises up from the table and starts to dance. He points to his friend LIAM as he points back. JESUS starts to strut to the judge’s table with his slip in hand as he looks towards CHRIS, GREG, and NELSON who are half playing EDH and half watching him. NELSON watches JESUS’ every move as JESUS blows him a kiss. After he gives the slip to the judge, JESUS sticks his arm up in the air and points to the sky. Continue reading “Magic Cinema – The Top 8 Lebowski”

Magic Cinema – Aarongarry Aaron Ross

AaronGarry Aaron Ross
A. B. C.

Welcome to the next in the Magic Cinema series. Tonight’s feature will include the movie scene that a majority of you might have seen on YouTube, but haven’t even seen the whole movie. That’s ok, we live in a world where all you need to see about a movie can be summed up in one scene.

This movie is a little closer to my heart since in a round about way, this is kinda what I do for a living (you know, when I’m not writing Magic blogs): real estate. When I tell people I work in real estate, they always ask about this movie and ask if it’s like that. I say “Oh yes, exactly like that, especially now with the economy the way it is,” except I swear every other word because everyone does that in real estate according to writer David Mamet. That’s right ladies and gentlemen, this is a NSFW post for language. Some people get offended by it, but this is too good of a scene not to parody.

If you can’t see the actor’s names on the poster, let me tell them to you: Al Pachino, Jack Lemmon, Alec Baldwin, Ed Harris, Alan Arkin, Kevin Spacey. If you’ve heard of any of those actors, you need to see this movie. This all when they were in their prime, and some have said this has been Alec Baldwin’s best performance (Though I’ve always loved his comedic performances). If you haven’t seen this movie, it’s worth a shot.

Anyway, let’s get to it.

Aarongarry Aaron Ross

A little known fact about Wizards of the Coast is that not all of their card designs come from “The Pit” (A collection of Magic R&D, Design, and other Magic related employees), but are outsourced to various design houses in the Seattle area. Within these offices, people sit at decks like a normal job and try and create cards on commission to be released in the new sets. Most of the time it’s older men who used to be in gaming, such as the guy who created Boggle and invented the joystick, who do the designing.

At one of the offices, the cards have been slowly trickling down both in quality and quantity (the only card of theirs that made it into Zendikar was Mindless Null). This has been happening for the past few sets so Wizards decided to send someone down to talk to them: Aaron Forsythe, Director of R&D (@mtgaaron). So on a regular rainy night in Seattle, the office manager, Randy Buehler (@rbuehler) calls a staff meeting so that Aaron can speak to them.

INT – DESIGN OFFICE – NIGHT

The rain slams against the windows as the employees shake off their umbrellas and rain coats. AARON is standing at the front of the office wearing a nice suit and tie talking to RANDY. The old men, BEN, BLAKE and JASON start to get comfortable in their seats. AARON stands up and opens his suitcase towards him and walks over to the blackboard on the side of the room. During his speech, he wonders back and forth across the front of the room with his hands in his pockets.

AARON
Let me have your attention for a moment! So you’re talking about what? You’re talking about…
(beat)
…bitching about that card you shot, somebody that doesn’t want what you’re creating, some broad you’re trying to screw and so forth. Let’s talk about something important.
(To Randy)
Are they all here?

RANDY
All but one.

AARON
(To Randy)
Well, I’m going anyway.

BEN stands up from his desk and walks to the back of the room to the coffee maker. He starts to pour himself some of the leftover “rocket fuel” coffee that was brewed this morning.

AARON
(continuing)
Let’s talk about something important!
(To Ben, sternly)
Put that coffee down!

BEN stops mid-pour and looks at AARON confused. AARON strolls between the desks toward BEN.

AARON
(continuing)
Coffee’s for designers only. Continue reading “Magic Cinema – Aarongarry Aaron Ross”