Magic Cinema – The Top 8 Lebowski

Let me tell you something that might shock you: I’ve never been in a large tournament Top 8 before. As you know from previous posts, I don’t get to do all the much “serious” playing and when I do, I don’t play such decks that are commonly referred to as “The Best Deck in the Format;” it’s more of a fun roguish build.

Anyway, when I watch players in the Top 8, I always imagine them having a good time having fun and enjoying the moment. But before the matches, I think they would trash talk to each other. “You think your Blue-White control deck can really handle my Jund deck? Ha!” You know, things like that. I just take it one step further.

This is semi-dedicated to/inspired by Kurt Porter, the 8 year-old who made Day 2 of Grand Prix: Kuala Lumpur. He’s not old enough to see this movie, and is as old as the oldest cards in Extended. I don’t want to see Chris Hanson or have people up in arms over this, it’s all a spoof. NSFW language follows.

The Top 8 Lebowski

It’s the last round of a large local Magic tournament. The event has been pretty tense as the night continues on. Three friends, CHRIS, GREG, and NELSON are sitting at a side table playing EDH while the last table is still competing. Chris knows he’s going to be in the Top 8 and is trying to ease his mind while playing some EDH with his friends. Also on his mind is the fact that he’s helping his friend who had his card shop burgled and the cards are being held for ransom by the unknown party.

INT. GAMING CENTER – NIGHT

People are gathered around the last two people competing for the coveted Top 8 spot. JESUS QUINTANA and HENRY are battling it out. The music emitting from JESUS’ headphones is Hotel California by The Gypsy Kings. As JESUS gets ready for his next turn, he shuffles his hand around, licks one of his cards lovingly, stares intensely at his opponent, then untaps and draws. The camera pans in towards his card hand and off the right is the name “JESUS” stitched on his shirt pocket above a Magic blog’s name. With a smooth motion, he drops a Bloodbraid Elf on the table, and Cascades into Maelstrom Pulse, killing his opponent’s only creature.

This insures his victory.

As the beat of the music changes, JESUS rises up from the table and starts to dance. He points to his friend LIAM as he points back. JESUS starts to strut to the judge’s table with his slip in hand as he looks towards CHRIS, GREG, and NELSON who are half playing EDH and half watching him. NELSON watches JESUS’ every move as JESUS blows him a kiss. After he gives the slip to the judge, JESUS sticks his arm up in the air and points to the sky.

CHRIS
Fuckin’ Quintana, that creep can play, man…

NELSON
Yeah, but he’s a fucking pervert, dude.

CHRIS
(Just playing along)
Yeah…

NELSON
No, he’s a Yu-Gi-Oh! player with a record. Spent six months down at Frank’s Cards playing with eight-year-olds.

CHIRS
(Surprised)
Huh!

INT. FRANK’S CARDS – AFTERNOON

Flashback to a quiet card shop where the only guy above 12 is JESUS, who’s playing Yu-Gi-Oh! with the other kids.

NELSON
(V.O.)
When he started playing Magic, he had a hard time adjusting to new terms ’cause he would tell everyone he’s Chaining spells.

A father comes into the card shop and sees his son playing with JESUS. The father rushes over there and grabs JESUS by the collar and starts yelling at him, which is silent to us. JESUS swallows hard.

GREG
(V.O.)
What’s a Chaining Spell, Nelson?

NELSON
(V.O.)
Shut the fuck up, Greg.

INT. GAMING CENTER – NIGHT

Nelson leans a little closer to Chris.

NELSON
So, what did he offer you?

CHRIS
A complete set of Revised duals, man. And of course, I still get to keep my playset of Tarmogoyfs.

NELSON
Just for getting the the stuff back?

CHRIS
Yeah.

CHRIS pulls out a little black box from his card bag and shows it to NELSON.

CHRIS
(Cont’d)
They gave, uh, me a beeper.

NELSON
Who the hell uses beepers anymore?

CHRIS ignores him.

CHRIS
So, whenever there’s some more info…

NELSON
(Interrupts)
What if it’s during a game?

CHRIS
Oh, I told them that if it was during a league game…

GREG, who was looking at his hand trying to decide what to do, is half paying attention to the conversation and decides to interrupt.

GREG
What’s during league play?

NELSON
(To Greg)
Life does not start and stop and your convenience, you miserable piece of shit.

CHIRS
I, I figure, uh…

GREG
(To Chris)
What’s wrong with Nelson, dude?

CHRIS
(Ignoring Greg)
I figure it’s easy money. It’s all pretty harmless. I mean, his wife most likely stole the stuff herself.

NELSON
Huh?

CHRIS
Oh, uh…

GREG is still two steps behind in the conversation.

GREG
What do you mean, dude?

CHRIS
Goyf-rippers did not do this. Look at it. Good thriving shop, wife gets jealous. She figures that he isn’t giving her enough attention, you know. She’s spending all night at home alone.

NELSON
That, fucking, bitch!

CHRIS
Oh, yeah. It’s all a Goddamn trick. It’s like Lenin said: Look for the person who will benefit, and, uh, uh, you know, uh..

GREG
All you need is love?

CHRIS
…uh, uh, you know. You know what I’m trying to say.

GREG
I want to hold your hand.

NELSON
That fucking bitch!

CHRIS
Oh, yeah!

GREG
Everyone’s got something to hide except for me and my monkey.

NELSON
That’s ex…

NELSON realizes what GREG is doing.

NELSON
(Cont’d) (To Greg)
Shut the fuck up, Greg! V.I. Lenin! Vladimir Ilyich Ulyanov!

GREG
(To Chris)
What the fuck is he talking about?

NELSON
(Lost in thought)
Fuckin’ exactly what happened to those… That makes me fuckin’ sick.

CHIRS
Well, why do you care, Nelson?

NELSON
Women, those sick fucks. This whole fuckin’ thing… I do not pay my taxes, my hard earned money so that this fuckin’ strumpet, this fuckin’ whore could waltz around…

CHRIS
(Cutting him off)
Nelson, I don’t see any connection with tax reform, man!

NELSON
Well, there isn’t a literal connection, dude.

CHRIS
No, face it, there isn’t any connection.

Noticing that GREG is done with his turn, he motions to Nelson.

CHRIS
(Cont’d) (To Nelson)
Your turn.

NELSON
Have it your way. But my point…

CHRIS
(Interrupts)
Your turn.

NELSON
My point is…

JESUS
You ready to be fucked, man?

The three guys turn their attention to JESUS and LIAM, both who are strutting their way over to the table. JESUS has his backpack in his hand as he stares down to them with a shit-eating grin.

JESUS
(Cont’d)
I see you drew your way into the Top 8. Dios mio, man. Liam and me, we’re gonna fuck you up.

CHRIS
Yeah? Well, you know, that’s just like, uh, your opinion, man.

JESUS and LIAM start walking to the tables to start discussing about strategy.

JESUS
Let me tell you something, pendejo. You pull any of your crazy shit with us, you raise your hand and call a judge, I’ll take your library away and stick it up your ass and shuffle the fuckin’ deck until I find my target.

The three can’t believe what they just heard. NELSON stares at them, trying to put on his best game face.

CHRIS
(beat)
Jesus.

JESUS points at CHRIS.

JESUS
You said it, man: Nobody fucks with the Jesus.

And they stroll away.

Slowly, NELSON turns his gaze back to CHRIS.

NELSON
Eight-year-olds, dude.