Warning: Let me first say that this is a fake interview. This is not real. This is a farce, a joke. Do not take anything in this “Interview” seriously. I am Orson Wells and this is my War of the Worlds. Anything you read during this interview either a setup or a punch line of a joke. Thank you for understanding.
My Tuesday posts deal with what MaRo said the day before. Yesterday was theme week about Onslaught, and since I wasn’t on the Onslaught design team, I decided to write about another topic. Since one of the biggest events ever to hit Magic happened on Thursday, I was a little curious about why nothing was said by Magic’s leader. After all, why introduce something, then don’t talk about it, especially when we don’t know what it is (we, meaning the Magic playing community).
After doing a little research online, I called Wizards and arranged a quick telephone interview with MaRo. Here’s the transcript:
MaRo: Hello?
Me: Hello Mr. Rosewater. I’m Robby **********, a blog writer at mtgcolorpie.wordpress.com. I was wondering if I could ask you a few quick questions.
MaRo: You’re not trying to sell me something? Some telemarketer.
Me: No, no. Not at all.
MaRo: Yeah, it’s not dinner time. Alright, I got a couple of minutes before my next meeting. Shoot.
Me: Alright, MaRo…
MaRo: Mr. Rosewater.
Me: (confused) You don’t want me to call you MaRo? Everyone else does.
MaRo: (silence)
Me: Hello?
MaRo: Mr. Rosewater.
Me: Ok… Mr. Rosewater…
Mr. Rosewater: Yes?
Me: Wizards introduced the first new card type since the game began on Thursday…
Mr. Rosewater: Well, we did introduce equipment in Mirrodin.
Me: …fine, the first new new card type on Thursday, and I bet it shocked a lot of the players who don’t read rumor mills. Why didn’t you talk about it today in your article?
Mr. Rosewater: It was theme week. It’s not Planeswalker week, it’s Onslaught week.
Me: Well you could’ve said a little something. It’s not like you don’t throw in other information on a theme week. Can’t you explain what they are a little bit more?
Mr. Rosewater: We like to keep suspense. Like that Coverfield trailer that’s been seen. No one knows what it is.
Me: Yeah, but people know it’s something attacking the city. With Planeswalkers, we don’t know what they do. Do you mind taking a minute and explaining them?
Mr. Rosewater: No need.
Me: Excuse me?
Mr. Rosewater: There’s no more need to talk about it. You should all know what they do by now.
Me: What do you mean?
Mr. Rosewater: I put clues in all of my posts. You know that post where I talked about puzzles and designs?
Me: Looking it up online. Oh, yeah. (Reference: http://www.wizards.com/default.asp?x=mtgcom/daily/mr290)
Mr. Rosewater: Well, at the end of it I said “Join me next week when the onslaught begins.” See, I told you that Onslaught week was coming.
Me: But you said in the next article it was a miscommunication.
Mr. Rosewater: Yeah, to keep you rumor mongers guessing. Instead of two weeks ago it’s this week. I can’t be straight forward about everything; it keeps my job fun and exciting.
Me: Fair enough. But back to the Planeswalkers. Why didn’t you say anything more? A lot of us are waiting to hear what they are and how they play and interact with everything.
Mr. Rosewater: If you read the site, you should already know. Everything that we’re printing in the next five years is on the site somewhere.
Me: Surely, you can’t be serious.
Mr. Rosewater: I am serious, and don’t call me Shirley. See what I did there? It was an Airplane! reference.
Me: I know, very cute. Well, can you give me something to give my readers who didn’t know that we were playing National Treasure here.
Mr. Rosewater: National Treasure?
Me: Yeah, National Treasure, a movie reference about following ridiculous clues to get to a treasure…
Mr. Rosewater: How quant. That’s something that I would have written in Roseanne. Did you know I used to write for Roseanne?
Me: Yeah, I wanted to talk to you about that since I’m a screenwriter myself…
Mr. Rosewater: How many readers do you have? 2, 3? How many of them that’s not your mom?
Me: Hey! Just because I’m starting out…
Mr. Rosewater: I have millions. Millions who listen to every word I’ve said and know what Planeswalkers are all about. I’m sorry that you don’t have a clue about what all of us know; why do you go back to starter sets?
Me: (Beat, speechless)
Mr. Rosewater: (hearty laugh) Just joking. Sorry, I liked National Treasure and I didn’t think it was fair of you to bash it.
Me: (Forced laughing) Oh, good one. I liked it too, it seemed just enough to kinda be believable. The new sequel looks horrible though.
Mr. Rosewater: Yeah, I’ll wait until DVD for that one. Had you going, didn’t I?
Me: Yeah, yeah you did. Will you tell me about Planeswalkers now?
Mr. Rosewater: Only that there will be five. And the Blue one will be the best.
Me: Really? Why’s that?
Mr. Rosewater: Because it’s Blue. R&D still has a thing for Blue.
Me: Yeah, I can tell. Now, will they be in every set, or at the beginning of blocks? What about Core Sets?
Mr. Rosewater: Every set. Since this is a tribal block, wait… (To someone else) Randy! Did I mention that Lowryn was tribal? I forgot! Then ask Scott Johns! (My Note: Magicthegathering.com site manager) You’re closer to him! I’m already yelling loud enough! Fine. Scott? No, Scott Johns! Yeah, did I tell my readers that Lowryn was tribal based? Yeah? Thanks! (To me) where was I?
Me: What was that about?
Mr. Rosewater: Well, I can’t give out too many spoilers, or Wizards can sue me. Anyway, we’re going to do something like we did in the last tribal block. Know how Legions was all creatures? (Beat) Hello?
Me: Yeah?
Mr. Rosewater: You know how Legions was all creatures?
Me: Yeah.
Mr. Rosewater: We’re going to do the same thing, but all Planeswalkers. Nothing but Planeswalkers. That’s what’s so cool about Morningtide.
Me: Won’t that mess up drafting?
Mr. Rosewater: Obviously, you don’t know what Planeswalkers do. If you did, you’d know. I got to get going. Our meeting today is to try and figure out how to expand gameplay to include Outer Space.
Me: Outer Space?
Mr. Rosewater: Opps! I don’t tell anyone or I’ll have to sue you. Join me next week when I talk about lawsuits in my topical blend. (He hangs up)
I didn’t say a thing.
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Thursday will be one of two things, depending on how far I get. Until then…
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