Taking “I’ll Tap That” to a New Low

Editor’s Note: I wouldn’t call today’s post NSFW, but it is a little more risque than usual (More like a stand-up comedy act than a Penthouse Forum). If you went through sixth grade health, there will be nothing that will surprise you here. And yes, all of this is true.

I’m jealous of the blog Kissing Suzy Kolber.

Not because they have like a million readers, or the fact that they put out new content every day, or they’re actually funny (in a non-PC/”wow that’s really bad off-color” sort of way). But because the have a Sex-Fantasy football mailbag. Yes, every week they get letters from their readers asking about sex/relationship advice plus about their fantasy football league. It’s funny, it’s informative and it’s not like some Cosmo advice where it’s the same three questions over and over again (how do I get my man to love me?). They try to give honest (or at least funny) advice for people writing into a football blog for relationship advice for free (here’s some to get you started, those are more borderline-NSFW).

See, before my current job, I kinda wanted to be a psychologist. I would (and still do)  dispense advice to friends and acquaintances and try and help them out. That’s why I’m so nice when people honestly ask me for advice, it’s like doing something I would’ve done, only for like $100/hr less.

So, when Reinhart from GatheringMagic.com told me I was going to be getting an e-mail, I didn’t know what to expect. It turns out that Nerve.com runs a column titled: “Sex advice from…” and whatever profession or hobby or whatever they do. Reinhart referred them to me since I’m the rarest of all Magic players: one with a wife (actually, it’s more common these days since some of us who started playing Magic when we were in Middle and High School are now older.) I was like “perfect, this was my chance to be a little like Kissing Suzy Kolber and have some fun with it.” They sent me 10 questions, and I thought about it and gave them their answers. Though I always thought that some answers would be funnier, yet unpractical, I was happy to help. Weeks went by without me hearing anything.

Until last night.

See, I’m not up there. And that’s fine, I understand. They usually do three people and 2:1 ratio of men to women. I am not female, and the obvious choice was to choose GatheringMagic’s Leaf and Reinhart since they were asked first.

You think I would be mad, steaming, but I’m not. It’s fine that they didn’t chose me; it just means that this post has turned into my own relationship advice column. You get my advice to what the Nerve deemed was repetitive. You get all 10 questions and answers plus, the answers I would’ve love to use if I wanted to go over the top. I tried to focus this on more Magic type answers because that’s the fun with asking a Magic player, you get it from their perspective. This isn’t the same as the KSK blog, but maybe, if people like this, we can start doing some of that here.

If Nerve.com has a problem with me doing this then you can contact me, you have my e-mail.

• What has Magic the Gathering taught you about dating?

Real Answer: Just like Magic, there are three psychological profile of daters (so called Spike, Johnny and Timmy in the Magic world): The ones who are serious (Spike and the ones who want to get married), the ones who do it on their own terms (Johnny and “open relationships”), and the ones who want to have fun (Timmy and casual daters). You can be a combination of any and all, but you need need to find a partner who has the same interest level or it could be disastrous.

Yes, I’m sure MaRo would be proud of me using the Timmy/Johnny/Spike model to explain relationships.

Better Answer: Sometimes, you just have to concede and let the other person win. But don’t ever give up if you’re winning; keep attacking because you never know when they might topdeck something and really screw you over.

Best Answer: In a tournament, you’ll battling other players to see if you can be the best in the room. This is a lot like dating: there’s a ton of guys who each think that they have the best tech to keep one step in front of you for getting that top prize (a woman’s attention). ‘Course, unlike Magic, you most likely don’t want to be in her “Top 8.”

• If you’re playing Magic with a hot girl, they have three life left and you have a Lightning Bolt in your hand that could finish them off, do you use it? Or do you hold back and let them win?

Real Answer: Depends, does she have two islands untapped? If it’s been a close game, sure finish her off; if you’ve been beating down, don’t add insult to injury. Women don’t want to be just given things, but thought of as equals. Be competitive but not too competitive. Yes that’s complicated, but so are women.

Better Answer: You’re most likely playing Jund and you don’t care about her; you’re there to win. That also makes you a jerk for playing Jund.

• What’s the best reason to date someone who plays Magic?

Real Answer: If you’re dating a Magic player, they shuffle their decks and flick cards around in their hands constantly. This means that they’re good for messages and other various things you can think of with hands.

Better Answer: You know where he is Friday nights. And he’ll have single guy friends for you to hook up all your single lady friends with.

• I love getting road head but don’t currently have a car and neither does she. Any advice for getting a blow job on another form of transportation?

Real Answer: Decide that you want to suddenly want to learn how to play golf. Rent a cart. If you’re on a nicer course where there are tress between the holes, you should have a little privacy while you drive down the fairway. If you get caught, just use the excuse of “I’m looking for my lost ball.” Should make chipping to the green an interesting experience.

Better Answer: Tip a cabbie real well and have him drive around town. If you’re lucky, you might end up on Taxicab Confessions or it would make for a really fun Cash Cab episode.

Best Answer: Never, ever try a pogo stick.

• Do you have any dealbreakers in the bedroom?

Real Answer: If she has anything Twilight related. She’ll be disappointed when I ask for sex and I don’t sparkle when I take my shirt off.

Better Answer: She’s a man, baby!

• My boyfriend wants to get a tattoo with my name on his arm. I love him, but I think that’s a terrible idea. How do I talk him out of it without seeming like I’m arguing against the future of our relationship?

Real Answer: Tell him that’s sweet, but he doesn’t need to get your name on his arm to show his love. Instead of using that money to get a tattoo, get him to buy you a outfit for the bedroom, something you both can enjoy. I guarantee you’ll both get much more satisfaction in that then you ever will a tattoo. Wink wink, nudge nudge, say no more!

• Is it okay to break up with someone via text message?

Real Answer: No, because you’re writing in “txt-speak” and that’s really horrible grammar. The same rule also applies to Facebook and Twitter. If you’re going to break up, go epic and write a long letter detailing about why you’re breaking up and hope that it will become an internet sensation when someone scans it in for you (not yourself, that’s just vain).

Better Answer: You’re in the same room, use your voice instead of your thumbs.

Best Answer: I no ❤ u nemor we r dn

• What’s do you think it means these days to get to third base with somebody?

Real Answer: I Don’t Know (Third Base!). Anything that XKCD says I’ll believe, so it’s oral sex.

Listen, I don’t care what you say, you can’t top the Third Base joke.

• If one song had to be playing on loop while you’re having sex, what song would that be?

Real Answer: My wife would say something sweet and romantic, like Mariah Carey or Celine Dion. Personally, you gotta play with something with a more moving baseline. Make sweet sweet love to the soothing rhythms of LL Cool J’s “Doin It.” Plus, you get to shout lines that totally make sense in context: “Let’s make it last!” “Wait a minute baby let me please you back!” and “Oh wow, we’re doin’ it!”

Better Answer: “This is the Song That Never Ends.”

Best Answer: D’Aneglo’s “Untitled (How Does It Feel).” Wife suggested it, and whatever Wife wants, Wife gets.

• If one movie had to be playing while you were having sex, what movie would that be?

Real Answer: Oh, is this supposed to be some trick where you expect me to say “Lord of the Rings” or “Star Wars.” Nice try. Alright fine, I’ll go with another Geek-friendly movie: 300. Don’t tell me that because you see a ton of shirtless, muscular men it’s not a sexy movie. Get this: women like men being manly and 300 is pretty manly, which in turn will be a benefit for you. Plus, with the sex scene in that movie, you might get some ideas to try out. Just don’t kick her out of bed and yell “This is Sparta” when you climax.

Better Answer: American Psycho. I love to look at myself in the mirror too. I also love to ask her if she likes Huey Lewis and the News.

Best Answer: Bambi Meets Godzilla. I’m usually done by the end of it.

If you noticed, Reinhart said “Lord of the Rings”. Obviously, he fell for the trap.

If this is something (not like a questionnaire but like a KSK type of thing) you would like on the blog here done every once in a while, let me know. If we do start doing this, we’ll open it up. It will be confidential and we’ll try and make it fun for everyone. I found it’s sometimes easier to write about fixing one’s problems then trying to fix one’s EDH deck.

‘Course, if you want me to stick to Magic, yeah, we can go that way too.